My Own Personal God (or why organized–or any–religion is silly)


Organized religion is the ultimate in OCD.  “Do this just the right way or else something bad will happen to you!”

Let me be first to tell to tell you, I am not a religious person.  I was born into the Lutheran religion, baptized 3 times (cause you know, the first 2 didn’t take), and grew up not going to church.  I had a deep connection with God, but he was my God, not any particular religion’s God.  I wore my cross, not as a symbol of Jesus, but as a symbol of my faith and relationship with him.  I was not Christian in any way whatsoever.

As I grew into teenagedom, I fiddled with Wicca.  I did for most of my teen years, but was very ignorant on what “the horned God” was, thinking it represented the Devil.  It does not, just so you know.  Then I was practicing a rite in my basement when I was 18 or 19 and bashed my head against the fire extinguisher holder and got a Nike swoosh across my forehead….a BIG one.  It sliced my forehead right open, and head wounds?  They like to bleed.

Yup, God was angry and punishing me for fiddling with witchcraft.  I just knew it.  I apologized over and over again, saying “I am sorry, I am so sorry”.  I have a picture somewhere of that incident……but anyways, my point is, God had punished me so many times in my life for disobeying my parents and him.  I mean, my mom said so.  Me falling off my bike, down a HUGE hill at my friend’s house, sideways?  That was God punishing me for going up to my friend’s house because I wasn’t supposed to leave the yard.

Mom had no sympathy for my bleeding knee and my crying.  “That’s what you get!” she had said.  And to be quiet so Dad didn’t hear me and fly into a rage when he found out I left the yard.

God punishes those who were disobedient, I learned.  They deserve it.  I mean, Pat on the 700 Club said that Haiti deserved their destruction because they made a pact with the devil so many years ago, right?  Yeah, I wonder what the HELL is wrong with Oklahoma City and Japan?  They just can’t catch a break either.  Damn sinners.

But at age 20, I got pregnant and decided Wicca was for me.  Funny….God didn’t care then.  I was even on a reality show participating in a rite!  God didn’t strike my ass down there, either.

Funny……he picks and chooses when to punish people for sinning?  Huh.  You’d think he’d be more consistent…..being the great and powerful God and all.  Oh wait, that’s Oz.  My bad.

So then I was asked this question on AOL.  Something I never had been asked before.  “All of you Pagans, you claim to have deep beliefs and whatnot, but have you ever once stopped to think why?  Why do you believe this?  Deep down, really think….why?”

WHOAH.  Hold your horses.  Stop the press.  WHY??!!  Are you kidding me?  Well, duh!!  Its because….well……..yeah!  That’s why!  Wait……..hmmmmmm………let me think……huh…….

Yeah………why do I believe in all this?  So I sat with those thoughts and I realized that it was just plain silly to jump from one set of man-made beliefs to another.  What was I looking for??

So I became an Atheist.  I found ALL forms of fairy-tale beliefs stupid.  They were silly and dumb and ridiculous.  But eventually, I got bored.  And there was something inside of me that missed celebrating Mother Earth and her turning seasons.  And being Atheist made me feel……disconnected.  And for anyone who knows me, knows that I thrive on connection.

So then I found Secular Humanism.  This religion allowed me to still practice honoring the Earth without any deities to call “my creators”, which I still found absurd.

But then I got this book….called “The Inner Child Workbook”.  My new husband and I decided to work on it together.  A question came to us that asked us to “identify our versions of our creator”.  It was a visualization where you go into this meadow and wait for your version of “God” to appear to you.

I turned around and saw this man, who was a bit like The Oak King, in long flowing robes, and leaves in his hair, with a wide face and nose.  He felt like……home.

He was my God.  The one from my childhood: the one who was with me as I prayed every night (ritualistically I might add….like an OCD thing), who sat and held me as I lay crying or feared for my safety in my home from my father, the one who comforted me when my mother was cold or unloving towards me (which was most of the time), the one who I spoke to, the one who I could feel around me at all times.  There he was, standing in this meadow…I just never had a face to go with his name or feeling.

That’s a lie.  I did have a face for him.  It was that of the Empire Carpet man (is that a national chain or just a local one??).  Pretty embarrassing when asked in confirmation class “What do you think God looks like?” and I come up with that.  But I digress.Image

But he always felt like a “substitute” for the real guy.  But the man standing before me felt like the real deal.

Not my creator, mind you.  I don’t think he made me or any of us.  But just my God.

So, I had to ask myself, what did the word God mean to me?  If not a creator, then what?

Perhaps the representation of the “male” energy?  Maybe.

The father I never had and so desperately needed?  Perhaps.

Or maybe, he was just the person that was always there for me, thru thick and thin, with absolutely no judgment or anger?  Ding ding ding!

So I looked into his deep, crinkled, loving eyes and said “I am supposed to ask you if you’d go on this journey with me?”

He smiled, which crinkled his eyes even more and heartily laughed and said “Oh honey, I’ve never left you.”

I remember this moment and will always remember, with the feeling I had at that moment, the knowing, the understanding of this truth.

He had actually never left me.  Even though I denied him as an adult, but had such a strong relationship with him as a young girl.  He was the father I never had.

Funny thing is, now in 2013 I have a relationship like that with my own father, but that’s another story for another day.

As for my God, he is not my creator, but my friend.  My unconditional, loving, accepting friend.  I don’t need him to judge me.  He is not he the keeper of “heaven”.  He has no son named Jesus.  He is mine and only mine.  My own personal God.

I have gone thru many organized religions and never once found the solace and love in any of them except with him.  He is the epitome of my beliefs, and always has been.  He belongs to no other religion or person, he was born from me (instead of the other way around).

Who is our creator?  I don’t know and I don’t care.  I say we all are, that everything we see, touch, smell, taste, or hear is made from the same energy that creates us.  WE are God.  That is why my personal God is also God.  Confusing, eh?  Good.  You aren’t supposed to understand.

Why?  Because religion and spirituality should be personal and private and not spread all around our world like a disease to hurt people in the name of said religion.  Yes, most religious people I know, have good views and morals, but also take the parts of the bible to own as true, and yet others are seen as hogwash.  Yet, if part of it is hogwash, isn’t all of it?  You cannot take the parts that serve you as a human being and say they are right, while the rest of it doesn’t suit you.  That’s not following the bible.  Yet every Christian on Earth does it.  There is absolutely no credibility there.

Gays?  Not allowed.  Witches?  Kill em all.  Using the Lord’s name in vain?  Well, as being its a commandment, its on par with murder and robbing someone.  So guess what?  Straight ticket to hell people!

As a child, I even found the idea of “hell” absurd.  I used to think “Who’d want to worship a god that sends you to a place that will burn you forever?”  That was certainly not my God.  And besides, Satan and God were actually friends, were they not?  But Mr. Satan got all jealous and God said “BAM TO HELL YOU GO!” And yet, in the 10 commandments, God says he’s a jealous god, right?  Sounds a big egotistical to me…..”I can be jealous and punish those who don’t follow me but you can’t be jealous of me or I will punish you too!!”

Geesh!  Narcissist.  Sounds like my mother.

I am picking on Christians here, but don’t worry, I will use more examples as this blog goes on 🙂

I will go back to the idea of a personal god, now.  The idea is, why follow along with a set of rules that were made millions and millions of years ago (they can lie about how old the Earth is, I can lie about how old their religion is)?  Why follow something that is outdated and frankly, does not even apply to to life as we know it today?

Why not think for yourself?  Why not follow your own set of ideas (with the willingness to change as you see fit)?  Why impose your beliefs on others?  Why not sit down and ask yourself this question: why do you believe this?  Cause you were told to by your parents?  Cause you need something to hang on to in order to keep your life straight and off the hooch and the crack?

You don’t need someone else’s version of God to do that for you.  Your own personal one can do the same thing.

Why do I care?  Because I see organized religion such as Christianity, Islam, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and many others as the actual root of so many evils.  They all promote hate of one kind or another (although I thought Jesus was a hippie?  Go figure….) and those that create the most mayhem and destruction on Earth are of their followers.

They preach love and acceptance yet do the opposite.  I see so much abuse that is perpetrated by the followers as well, against their own people even.

I don’t need to know who created us.  I don’t need to know where I go after this life.  I need to live my life happily and fully here on Earth now.  I don’t need to watch my language, or only drink on Tuesdays or don’t eat meat during a week Lent, or not eat at all until sundown……GOD DOES NOT CARE ABOUT THOSE THINGS.  GOD IS NOT HUMAN, SO STOP HUMANIZING HIM.  Its really messed up the way we’ve disorted and invented new ways to control people.

Cause organized religion is that: all about control.  That’s why it was invented.  The bible is a bedtime story they used to keep their people under control, or as a way for Constantine to unite his Roman Empire to keep them civilized.  I mean, what better way to civilize a bunch of wild people then by forcing them to become Christian by offering them protection?  AND paying them to convert.  Sweet deal if you ask me.  One nation, one religion (mostly).  How much easier is that?

I encourage those who have a mind of their own to seek out historical information on Jesus, Christianity, Islam, JW’s, and everything.  See the recurring information, see how so many of our “holidays” came from ancient religions way before Christianity evolved or even before the bible was even written.  The dying god motif has been so overdone, its not even funny.

I don’t need you to agree with me, or believe what I say.  Or even care.  I just encourage you to seek out your own truth, instead of one that has been laid down to you by regurgitated information

You have choices on what you want to believe.  We all do.  And that’s what this blog is about: free-thinking and not following the norm, just because we’re told to.

I am not an anarchist.  I do not follow titles of any kind.  I am…  That’s it.  I follow my own beliefs and change them as I see fit.  I am a free-thinker who will hopefully encourage others to do the same.

Welcome to my blog.

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