Pagans? No Thanks.

Pagans are not immune to my rants.

I know, I used to be one.

Well, I kinda was one.  I didn’t fit in with them either.  They weren’t used to a fellow Pagan looking like *gasp*!!!!   Wait for it…….an actual woman!!!

When you walk into a group of Pagans, do not, I repeat, DO NOT wear clothes that look pretty or wear makeup or even do your hair.  Just don’t do it.  Or else you will incur the wrath of the other man-ladies talking shit about you behind your back, or just snubbing you out in the open.

Bitches be trippin’.

What you’re supposed to wear is: no underwear, strange or dirty clothes with rips in them (not on purpose to be “cool”, must be real wear and tear), not wear deodorant, pieces of cloth as a skirt tied around your waist, don’t brush your hair, and never, ever wear makeup.  Unless its theatrical.

Okay, I am being a total asshole here.  BUT many of the Pagans I know dress like this and I am just not that hippie.

I showed up my first day in adorable pigtails, makeup, my cute pink elasticized top with a flowing waist with little tied straps on my shoulders, jeans, and cute sandals.  You know, my norm.  And my boys were clean, with cute little manly haircuts (read: no mullets or :::shudder::: “tails”) and wearing their most adorable little clothes.

Yes, and while the guys were nice to me, the lady-folk were ignoring me and giggling and staring.  I was like “wtf?”  I wanted to get my ritual on!!!

When you enter a coven, you have to be interviewed by many of the “higher uppers” to see who you’ll train under for a year.  Some were men, some were lady-folk.  The men would interview me and all of a sudden a woman would show up and be hanging all over them.  He’d shoo her off, and I’d be left to wonder “What the fuck was her problem?”

Turns out, all the girls thought I was a stuck-up bitch, all 100% based on how I looked…not how I treated people or was as a human being.  If you were to know me, you’d realize how absurd that idea is: me…..being a stuck-up bitch.  HA!  I am nice to everyone.  Even if you’re a dirty hippie.

Here’s the deal: I am not the asshole I portray in my blogs here.  I am pretty nice.  I don’t always dress like a girl, sometimes I wear icky jeans, and sweatshirts.  I do not think I am better than others……okay, maybe better than some.  But I really try to hard to see life from other people’s point of view.  If you’re nice to me?  I will be nice right back.

But if you pass judgement on me because of the way I look?  I will get to know you, see if your insides resemble your dirty outsides and if so, I WILL judge you on the way you look, because your personality matches.   But if you they don’t match?  I will adore you, for who you are.  I will not talk shit about you before I get to know you.  THAT’S another place where I differ from most Pagans.  I am learning to hate gossip.  But Pagans?  They thrive on it.

“I am more different than you, so I must be better!!” is an attitude that is echoed throughout the Pagan community.  Paganism is better than Christianity because it breaks out of the Patriarchal chains of oppression, with its rules and regulations!!

YET then you step into, oh say, Wicca, and you’ll find even MORE rules and MORE regulations.  “Must stick athame into chalice to symbolize the Great Rite” (which is the God and the Goddess getting it on).  “Must celebrate each full moon with a rite!” “Must acknowledge new and different holidays, such as Imbolc which is Groundhog Day, even though you have no ties to anything like that or even know what the fuck for!”  “Must use candles in proper directions on your alter otherwise it doesn’t count!!”  “Must have altar!”  “Nudity is fun and encouraged in group settings!”

Yes, you step out of one religion and give up your holidays and whatevers only to step into things of the same exact persuasion with new things to remember.  WHAT??!!!  Yeah, organized religion, whether you’re Pagan, Buddhist, or Christian, its all the same BS: made-made BS at that.

God didn’t write the 10 commandments anymore than the leader of our coven had actually embodied the spirit of the God after a ritual and gave out his “blessings”.

Josh (name changed to protect the fucking weird) came up to me, slowly, put his hand on my shoulder.  “I give you my blessings, my child, Blessed Be.”

My friend walked up and was choked up.  “Oh my, that was amazing,” she said humbly.

“What?” I said, skeptically and quizzically.  It was clear I had no idea what was going on.

“The God is speaking thru Josh.  He just gave you his blessings.”

It was a good thing it was dark, cause she’d have seen me roll my eyes.  “Okay,” I replied, annoyed.

It was clear at that moment I did not belong there.  I find people like that strange and quite frankly, stupid.

I believe if you DO have a spiritually moving experience, you don’t need to walk around and share your idiotic behavior with others.  I have had PLENTY of spiritual experiences.  But I keep them to myself OR I share them with my husband.  OR if someone asks and we’re both sharing.  But don’t interrupt MY spiritual stuff with your moronic crap, claiming to be something you’re clearly not.

I was half-expecting him to walk up and ask me to remove my clothes because the God wants us all to be “naked and free”.  He didn’t, thank whatever god was inside of him.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, I DO NOT trust ANY religion with a leader.  If you want to be a Pagan and practice with others?  Stay the fuck away from a coven.

A leader will normally try to control you and lead you they way THEY see fit, not help you find your own path.  I don’t care what religion you are.  This applies to all.

And where does it say in the fucking rules you HAVE to be strange to be a Pagan?  Not ALL Pagans are strange, but a good 90% or more are.

I camped with these people.  I attended a wedding (one I was not welcome to, apparently).  I attended rituals and rites and did all sorts of things to connect with “others like me”.  Turned out, none were like me.  Not in the least.  My husband shaves.  My kids bathe and keep their hair nice (not all the time….and normally only because I make them….they ARE boys after all).  And I usually try to look my best.  Not always, but when I meet up with others I do.

I don’t fit in with the nice dressed yuppies, with their fake-ass and disconnected ideals.  Nor the hippie Pagans with their loosey-goosey clothes-wearing and showering rules.  Not with the calm, cool, and collected Buddhists, who don’t kill spiders (I will kill the shit out of a spider).  I am more of a “middler”.  Not like Bette.  She’s the OG of Midlers.  Nobody can beat that.

Me?  I am normal, everyday “middler”.  I don’t swear too much, but more than others.  I don’t drink or smoke (but I used to).  I don’t dress like a douchebag nor a flighty-homeless person.  I am not always clean, but I am cleaner than some.  I am different than most, but more normal than some.  I am soooo much in the middle, that I belong to nothing.  No side.  No group.  Nothing.

I can talk shit.  But I can also empower with my words and offer healing empathy.  I am standing in the middle, with a clear view of both sides, the right and the left (although I am more left than right…although I am more right-brained than left).  I can clearly see the mistakes and validity in both sides (although again, I see more validity in the left and more mistakes in the right…being a liberal and all).  I think if you only had one word where I did fit into?  That would be liberal.  But that’s it.  And even then….I don’t even always fit with those people either.

As all Pagans are liberals.  But not all liberals are hippies or Pagans.  I am more of a dreamy, book-reading-and-writing, daydreaming, action-orientated, warrior liberal.  I am not about politics, don’t let that term confuse you.  I am more about what liberals stand for in real life rather than what all the idiots in politics are doing.

I dream of a better world, and work toward that by uplifting others with my words and thoughts and actions.

I dream of a better place for my children to live and work toward that by teaching my children about what they can do to better their circumstances by homechooling them with the idea of them becoming actually whatever they want….rather than just letting the broke-ass school system fail my children so they have to struggle to feed their families.  I teach them resilience, to pick themselves up after they fall and try again, because the only true failure in life is giving up.  I teach them to think for themselves, and to not let today’s religious/political/corporate institutions make their choices for them.  Yes, you have to follow the rules, but if the rules are outdated and broken, they will know how to fix them, rather than break them (we are not anarchists here).  I teach my children to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves: other children, animals, etc.  And to stand up for themselves because they are worth it.

I dream of a place where gays can marry legally, because religion will GET THE FUCK OUT of our goddamned government!

I have a dream.  Where little black boys and girls and little white boys will be able to hold hands as brothers and sisters!  Oh wait, that’s MLK Jr.’s dream…..well, it came true for him.  So maybe my dreams can come true, too?  I am not comparing myself to this great man, but in a way I am.  He is a human being, just like me.  He had a dream and inspired others to change.  I don’t know if I could stand in front of all those people and speak as eloquently as he did……but anything is possible.  Granted, he died for his greatness.  I am more interested in being here for my kids than inspiring greatness.  In a way, MLK Jr. is more accurate as our savior than Jesus was……cause MLK Jr.?  He really DID die for our sins.  If humankind would have seen black people as equal in the beginning, MLK Jr. would have had nothing to preach against.  But Jesus, on the other hand, died because of blasphemy, saying he WAS God, that we all were (again, read those parts that didn’t quite make it into the Bible, you’ll see what I’m talk about).

At least Paganism isn’t in our government.  Otherwise it would be mandatory to howl at the full moon after pledging allegiance to the flag to the republic for which it stands, and casual Fridays would take on a WHOLE new meaning.  BUT at least gays could marry!  Hey, maybe it would be better to spread Paganism across the US…hmmmmmm….maybe I could conquer Texas and California. I could tell them all “Become Pagan or else you will be fed to the crocodiles!”  Then we could bring back the Colosseum and throw sociopaths and CEO’s into the pit with the crocs!!

Here will be the first man to go in the pit:

Mike jeffriesCEO Mike Jeffries from Amberzomie and Bitch

He happens to be both sociopath AND a CEO!  (as most are, btw)

Even though I am not really a Pagan, I think making him perform the Great Rite (FOR REAL, not that symbolic shit) with every single fat woman (and man….including sumos) on Earth will suffice.  And THEN let the crocs at him!

Now, just to find fat people that would actually fuck Mr. Jeffries……cause that bitch?  He’s ugly as sin!!

If he wins against the crocs?  He will be forced into servitude as my lackey and only allowed to wear a loincloth.  Oh wait, ick!!!  I don’t want to see that.  NO NO no…he will be forced to wear a head-to-toe get-up like this:

Islamic dress

Cause nobody wants to see Mr. Jeffries, not actually…..

To Mrs. Jeffries: You’re welcome.

See??  We can make a brand new world where we can incorporate all religions, together, in one cohesive way!  BUT in a better way, cause the people that actually would deserve these things would be the ones getting them, not the innocent normal people.  Like us “fatties”.

Oh and Pagans?  They be FAAAAAT.  So I am sure I’d get their support in this!!  Not be an asshole or anything, but according to the statistics in my head, 90% of Pagans are overweight.  You can quote me on that.
And Mr. Jeffries?  The Pagans would be happy to throw you in the croc pit.

Okay, I am done here.  I bashed Christians, now I had to bash the Pagans.  Sorry.  (read: no I’m not)

Its just that its still an organized religion with rules and regulations.

And like I said before: I prefer my connection to God, wholesale only please.  No middle man with his man-made BS rules.  Even if they are quirky and different than the rest.

I am going to take my chubby, “middler”, smart ass outta here now.  And go start digging my croc pit.

I will post when its done 😉

Till next time.

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