I used to think I had magical powers. That somehow, my ability to read someone’s “feelings” were some sort of ESP or whatnot. I felt very secure in this line of thinking. Even used it as a basis for my 26 years of reading the tarot. Hell, I built a business around it.
That is, until one day, I decided to join some atheist groups and Facebook pages.
I then became….bitchslapped.
I learned so much, during my short stint on those pages and in those groups. I learned about psychology. About science. About all sorts of shit I was ignorant of. This led me to do more sleuthing and information gathering on all the things I thought I once “knew”. And it taught me how to question things that I once accepted as fact:
At the time, I “knew”:
- GMOs were bad. (turns out, they aren’t in the least)
- Vaccines should be up the parent (turns out, they should be mandatory)
- Breast is best! (turns out, bottle fed babies have no more issues than breastfed ones, so this one should be a choice the mother makes, unless she is on drugs)
- Black cats are tortured around Halloween, so keep them indoors! (turns out, black cats have no more chance of being tortured on any holiday more than any other color cat, according to the ASPCA)
- That I was psychic (turns out, I have OCD and I have residual effects from childhood abuse)
If you find someone who says “I am empathic!” (which is a cool catchphrase for those who feel an enormous amount of empathy for others, including feeling how others feel), look into their past and I guarantee you will find a person who was abused as a child, most likely by a narcissistic parent.
My “abilities” go as far as being able to read others’ thoughts. And it’s true, I can at times. That whole “I know what you’re thinking” saying goes into hyperdrive when it pertains me. Which is why I just knew I was psychic!!
But this “ability” is nothing more than years, upon years, upon years of “training” by the abuser (usually a parent). And they don’t even realize they are training you. You NEED to be able to read your abuser so you can survive. “If I know what she’s thinking, I can anticipate her actions and stay out of her way or do something that makes her happy.” We might not even go as far to think that specific type of thing, but at a base level, that’s exactly what we’re doing.
We, the abused, are always thinking and wondering “What will come next? How can I combat this from happening again?” We then become adept at learning body signals, verbal cues, anything that will help us navigate the rocky terrain which is our life with the abuser. We become masters. We become experts. We know when to hold ’em, and when to fold ’em, when to walk away, and so definitely when to run like hell.
Although the “run like hell” issue becomes dormant when we meet someone we wish to date or marry who is also an abuser. Somehow we go dumb, forget all we’ve learned, and start over again. But, going through it again, we learn even more. We become even better at reading people. Better at anticipating others’ feelings. Our “expert” status becomes beyond having a PhD in people. We become gods.
But ask us if we realize our abusers are abusing us? Now THAT is something we are fucking stupid about. We will sit and take it, run away, then come back for more! We can’t get enough. We crave it.
Not really, we’re just seeking approval. But it looks to others like we crave the abuse. Though, some of us do. It’s all we know. We’re broken and the only thing we “get” is being hurt. It doesn’t meant we can’t be fixed, it just means we have to work harder. It’s like an addiction.
Some people have an addiction to painkillers. And some of us have an addiction to pain.
To know my “abilities”, that for so long made up my identity, are just residual effects of abuse? It should somehow bring me closure. Or at least some comfort, right? But instead, I am left with “Well, who the fuck am I then?” Who am I without the mysticism? Who am I without the new age bullshit? Who am I without my tarot? People came to me for answers for 26 years, and was I lying to them the whole time? I wasn’t. Not intentionally. But still. I did help them.
Psychic or not, my abuse put me in tune with the human condition like nothing else ever could. You can’t learn this shit from a book. You live it. You become it. And this effect, this “hyper awareness of how others are feeling”, while it isn’t ESP, it’s not something to dismiss either.
And this question remains: “Does it HAVE to be ESP in order for it to be valid?”
And the short answer is: No. Of course not.
What makes my “ability” any less significant just because it’s not flighty, new-age bullshit? Nothing. That’s what. My deep empathy for other humans (and life itself in general) doesn’t need to be paranormal for it to be valid. So why can’t I still read the tarot? It doesn’t have to be ESP for it to work. HENCE the fact I did it or 26 years with an almost 100% satisfaction rate without any psychic ability at all.
So, I am going to pick it back up, and try again. And this time, with the understanding, I am not fucking psychic. I am just awesome 🙂
I think we should rethink our ideas of ESP and realize that most of us are just performing “cold readings”. Read more about that on the google. And I will go take a nap.
Later skaters. And stop pretending to be psychic!